In September, I made a decision that I would abstain from ALL forms of sex (and pornography) in order to find self enlightenment and renew its significance within relationships and life. This would be the first time since I was 12 that I wouldn't be involved forms of sex (17 for actual sex if we want to be technical about it). Because so many use sex as a weapon, a means of control or an indicator of worth, I decided that I would explore a world for me that didn't include it.
This was the most difficult shit I've done by choice.
Difficult because of the abundance of sexual messages that males receive and because of hormones. Also, harking on the idea of self worth, as a man my mind had been programmed that if you are not smashing someone you are not a real man. This is problematic when you're facing societal messages that YOU specifically are not a real man because of other actions and decisions you've made in life.
In other words, it has been very hard not to rub one out to a Lacey Duvalle video or HBO.
What's crazy about all of this is that in the time of my life decide not to have sex is when I met LOTS of new women and find out the sexual habits of my female friends and their libidos. A few have even mentioned me!!! WTF! Man, I've gotten cues to spend the night at least on three separate occasions and I've had to ignore it or play dumb to at least keep the promise I've made to myself. Last night, I had a thirsty moment at a party and almost made a baaaaad decision.
The one big thing about this trial is that I've had to do other shit to de stress. I call people now. I play basketball again. I read books. Its all wack to me, but it keeps me calm during this low point in my life.
But at the end of the day, I will accomplish my goal unless some crazy shit happens or person X succumbs and let's me hit on the friendly (she doesn't read my blog but still its never good policy to say "hey we cool, we're friends I like you & want to smash you" to any girl you have hopes for).
And from all of this I've gained a new appreciation for sex. Its not just bodies anymore. Lying to get it isn't as cool as it used to be. All the emotions and trappings of it are put into perspective. I can look back at my past relationships and sex and know what I can do differently and appreciate the act and intimacy itself (and the person).
PS - contact me if you're a lady who wants to congratulate me on Jan 7! lol (seriously though)
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
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