Workings Of A Thinking Man

Time has slipped past me, as the days on the calendar have turned to weeks and the weeks into months. And in paraphrasing the words of the great philosopher Timothy Mosley, "its been a long time. I shouldn't have left you without a dope blog to read".

I feel trapped. Well, not physically trapped, but mentally and intellectually trapped in a maze where I can't figure out which direction is which. So many of my ideas and feelings have remained trapped deep within the inner most workings of my mind without a proper channel for escape. And as hard as I've tried to liberate these ideas and emotions onto pen and paper (or in this case, the world wide web), they remain clinging to bondage like the slaves who refused the pathway of freedom of Harriet Tubman's Underground Railroad.

Like most 20-somethings, I've yet to really figure my place in the world. What am I doing here? Is there something better out there? Some of us may know what we want to do and have an idea of who we want to be but are clueless on how to get there. I, unfortunately, no longer know what I want to do or how to even get to this grandiose state of self actualization. Where some people are excited about the doors being opened in their professional lives, I'm fearful.  Once upon a time, I knew where to go and what to do. I was certain that I would graduate college, become go to law school, become a lawyer, marry my college sweetheart and then become the first black president of the United States. At the age of 25, the only thing in that list I'm sure about is that I won't be marrying anyone I dated in college and that if I wouldn't be the first black president.

In February, I found out that I would not be receiving a contract extension from my job; effectively laying me off for the second time since I've graduated college. While we live in a tough economy and I work in a tough industry where results and fundraising is the mark of survival, getting the pink slip twice in such a short time in life would unnerving to anyone. The eminent loss of my job isn't what really bothers me. The fact that I'm fine with being laid off is what really bothers me.The fact that I want to move in a completely different direction away from everything I've been interested in is what's the most unsettling. But, I've been doing Community Organizing in different capacities since 2008 and I just don't have it in me anymore. I want to go back to grad school and - brace yourself - get an MBA/MPP and work on policy and social entrepreneurship.  Who am I?

Where I was once confident, I am now unsure. Where I was once strong, I am weak.

And I do not like that shit one bit.