a few thoughts

I've been slacking on my post for the past few weeks and I kinda cheated by posting that pic of Jessica, Sarah & myself with that Pimp C song. So I'm going to try and run off a list of things I've thought about, organizing updates, and what's up in my life today.


1. I'm struggling at work. I know what to do and how to do it, but I'm struggling in the fact that what I want isn't happening. I want to be able to meet parents and neighborhood people and convince them to join together to fix issues in Houston, but I can't find good people. I can't get them to show up to things and I still feel like I was thrown out into the water to sink or swim. The lack of structure with this job is also a devil in disguise for me. I need and crave structure. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that no one is taking me under their wing here. It seems as if I don't have anyone to support me and talk to me about what I can do better and what needs to be done. I feel like I'm a hamster running in a treadmill. The more meetings you do, the better you get. But I can't get it done because....

2. Part of me isn't motivated to do this work anymore. I like where I'm at and the responsibility, but I don't like the political components of it all. I also don't feel as supported as I believe I should be. I know I can do this. Just this week, the campaign in Detroit I was organizing, Ban The Box, passed and I've gotten a few phone calls from nonprofits across the country on how to make this work for their city. I KNOW I CAN MAKE SOMETHINGS HAPPEN. I also know that when I'm ready to do campaign management, I can utilize these skills. But nothing of the sort is transferring to my work in Houston and I'm depressed about it.

3. My money is so bad that I just want to pack it up and go home. I don't want to go into all of my expenses and why I'm stressed, but this "American Dream"  doesn't exist because I know so many people who live paycheck to paycheck and in debt (because after all, its not what Americans want but its where the majority of Americans are) and it isn't cutting it. Something has got to give.

4. I just want to fast forward this time in my life and be happy. Or rewind this time in my life and be happy. I look back on this time, and four years ago was the last time I was legitimately happy. A lot of that time line is skewed because of the relationship I was in and trying to get back on my feet after it, but I don't remember how it is when Branden is firing on all cylinders and lights up the room when he enters it.

5. Being here has taught me a lot about the two faced nature of non profit "service work" and that many of these organizations don't particularly care about what the issues of the community are. They organize people around the will of the organization instead of the will of the community.

6. I love Houston as a town and as a place to meet people, but how the fuck do you meet people for dating? Only med students and undergrads live in my apartment complex and I'm not running up to a girl at the mailbox or the club house when she's paying the rent. Joining Urban League and NAACP in town has helped a bit and I've met a few people out and about, but it feels like I'm living in the dark ages of dating. This shit is weak.