Sometimes, I listen to many of my male and female friends talk about the need to be in relationships and the need for this dating season to be over. What makes me confused in these conversations are peoples need to be in some sort of dating relationship as a means to validate themselves? It seems like not a day goes by unless relationships, marriage and love are discussed on Twitter, among friends or on the blog circuit. It's discussed at our churches, at our barbershops & beauty salons and unfortunately at our jobs. The topic of relationships, who's in one and who is out of one is something that we cannot avoid. Believe me, I have tried.
So many of us long for successful relationships and the status of having it all together that we especially in the Black community have begun to over analyze. Many of us believe that we can't have a good relationship and if we aren't in a relationship at the moment, believe that it is what defines us.
To many, being in a relationship is no longer just a status but a status symbol. It is a declaration that we are good people. But this shouldn't be the case.
While things are different from when our grandparents and parents were our age, one thing stays the same: people are not considered successful unless they have "settled down". People are searching for career stability, identity and some semblance of interpersonal relationships. We want to show others and ourselves that our life is being lived to the fullest potential. Yet, we aren't being fair to ourselves if we wrap all of our successes and failures into "having" another person. A relationship is supposed to be an amplification of who we are with someone else. If we are unhappy people now, a relationship won't fix it, you'll just have more sex (for some that may be the answer though). A relationship won't help you accept or find your identity/beauty and none of it will mean anything unless we've figured out who we are.
Its hard to tell someone or even yourself that you are full and capable and successful without a mate. Its equally hard to say those things to someone, like myself who is dating. I am still trying to figure out who I am. Like many of the stories I hear from women, I and other guys are equally as guilty of basing our successes and failures in who we date. In who we sleep with. In who we have on our arms at parties.
I don't want to be a status symbol and I don't want anyone I date to be belittled as a check mark in my quest for success. We lose so much personality and so much of the thing that makes human relationship valuable when we start thinking of people as benchmarks for our happiness/success. In order to get anything out of a relationship, of course you have to put in work, but you also have to be in the moment.
So many of us long for successful relationships and the status of having it all together that we especially in the Black community have begun to over analyze. Many of us believe that we can't have a good relationship and if we aren't in a relationship at the moment, believe that it is what defines us.
To many, being in a relationship is no longer just a status but a status symbol. It is a declaration that we are good people. But this shouldn't be the case.
While things are different from when our grandparents and parents were our age, one thing stays the same: people are not considered successful unless they have "settled down". People are searching for career stability, identity and some semblance of interpersonal relationships. We want to show others and ourselves that our life is being lived to the fullest potential. Yet, we aren't being fair to ourselves if we wrap all of our successes and failures into "having" another person. A relationship is supposed to be an amplification of who we are with someone else. If we are unhappy people now, a relationship won't fix it, you'll just have more sex (for some that may be the answer though). A relationship won't help you accept or find your identity/beauty and none of it will mean anything unless we've figured out who we are.
Its hard to tell someone or even yourself that you are full and capable and successful without a mate. Its equally hard to say those things to someone, like myself who is dating. I am still trying to figure out who I am. Like many of the stories I hear from women, I and other guys are equally as guilty of basing our successes and failures in who we date. In who we sleep with. In who we have on our arms at parties.
I don't want to be a status symbol and I don't want anyone I date to be belittled as a check mark in my quest for success. We lose so much personality and so much of the thing that makes human relationship valuable when we start thinking of people as benchmarks for our happiness/success. In order to get anything out of a relationship, of course you have to put in work, but you also have to be in the moment.
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